It all happened (not) long ago… mother’s day edition

I wasn’t mothered well. It’s true about many people I grew up with. In the culture where the woman is expected to work round the clock, raise a family, look a million dollars, and never complain or ask for help. I grew up knowing that you have no right to be weak or vulnerable, you are like an iron gate that can withstand anything. You just have to weather it, clench your teeth and try harder. “What do you mean you are not feeling well? Tough it out. You know how women gave birth during the war? It wasn’t easy so shut up.”

They say it’s all because of the time after the second world war when women had to do everything on their own, since most men were killed or disabled, they basically had to be indestructible in the face of all odds. It caused the imbalance of too many women and not enough men available for family building purposes. Men were in demand while women lost their potential value in many respects apart from working round the clock. So this is what my mom did, and she still does it because she doesn’t know how else life can be lived. If you are not slaving away from dawn till sunset, you are a slacker. Good for nothing.

My sister is kind of this way too. She chooses to work a lot and honestly there is nothing wrong with that. The problem arises when we start thinking that the only value of a person lies in how much money they can make an hour. It’s true about men and women both. It’s equally wrong to claim, “I have always been a good mom / dad for you, I made enough money to pay for everything”. I totally get it that raising kids is not a cheap business but first of all kids need parents to be there for them. And even if there was a great parent substitute like an aunt or an uncle, it’s not the same, kids need parents, period.

The culture I grew up in didn’t make me any good. The iron woman leading the show was always there, men would come and go, like fathers and boyfriends were just temporary solutions. But the iron woman stayed, she was the only one you could rely on. My mom was married a few times, my grandma was married twice, none of the husband lasted very long and none of them treated her very well mostly due to the alcohol problem. Her mother, my great grandmother, had an even sadder story.

Sarah was seventeen, she grew up in a commune in Siberia, she was a babysitter there helping the working moms and dads be productive in the fields or at the factory. One day her brother came home and told her: “Sarah, Gabriel’s wife died, he has 4 children to take care of. You have to help out, you know how to take care of kids.” So she married him, they never dated or did anything like that. She just did what she had to do, she did the right thing helping a friend out. Gabriel and Sarah had 3 more girls together, the youngest one died at the age of three, Rosa and Lily survived and lived to a ripe old age in Ukraine where they died.

Sarah said she had never loved a single man in her all life, she was very pragmatic about it, she would go: “Why would I waste my precious feelings on them? I love children, but that’s it.” She loved kids with all her heart, she raised her grandkids that Lily had. Lily had no time to take care of her boys, she was too busy trying to find a good husband. She was an incredibly beautiful woman, so she promised she will marry a general one day. The funny thing is that her love brought us all from Siberia to Donetsk, Ukraine. She was dating a musician at the time and somehow he had to go to Donetsk for a concert and decided to stay. She followed him there, and this is how my uncle got to try it out in the early 80s. He loved it there and set his heart to make a life in a new place. He brought my mom and my grandma there, and later Sarah joined too.

Lily got pregnant from the musician and had a baby boy, he was a really nice kid but had a mental heath problem inherited from his father. Both of her sons died early, the older one was in prison a lot, and the younger one was weak of health. But at the age of 75 she met an older general who owned a house, he married her because he wanted to provide her with a place to live. He was 92 at the time. And yes, he died pretty soon. She lived in his house for a short time and yes, she did what she promised to do and married a general.

On this happy note, I wanted to keep it straight for you, Sarah was my great grandmother, she had two daughters Rosa and Lily, two beautiful flowers as she loved to say. Rosa, my gran, had a daughter, my mom, and a son, who are still doing well, working their lives away. Lily, my gran’s sister, was a wind changer in our family who brought us all to Ukraine where she finally married a general. She looked similar to this photo. When the war is over I will probably be able to get an actual photo of Lily and my other folks, God willing.

Babushka

Today is my grandmother’s birthday, so I wanted to write a few words about her adventurous life. Rosa was a beautiful flower in God’s garden, this is how she would most probably describe herself. She loved going to church, growing flowers and fried fish. She was born in Siberia, but lived in Donetsk, Ukraine most of her life. Rosa was a very outgoing person with lots of friends, she loved reading Lermontov and learned a lot of his writing by heart. She would knit all day long and cook for us all kinds of soups and stews, this is what all the babushkas are known for. Rosa was a very independent and smart woman, she worked as a head engineer all her life. She was always proper in all her interactions with others, never missed a deadline, never yelled at anyone for saying or doing something stupid. Rosa has always been a very modest person, never asking anything for herself. Looking back, I think she should have.

I didn’t know how much she loved Lenin until she felt really comfortable taking out a stack of cards to share with her guests. She told us, ‘We loved Lenin as much as we love Jesus’. My grandma lived in the dorm so she didn’t have much space for sentimental stuff, and she never talked to us about the olden days. I was surprised that day when felt like coming off her shell to tell us about Lenin and stuff. When she retired she got some company shares from the last employer, she always lived humbly but when she passed, she left some cash and what not to my mom. Rosa was an only truly altruistic person that I have met in my life, I am not even sure it was a good thing for her personally. She would put others first, not leaving much for herself. Rosa had two children and two husbands, they both died before she did. The children are doing well, I mean, her daughter and son still live in Donetsk, Ukraine, working and raising grandchildren.

Today I am going to celebrate her life by going to church, frying some fish and reading Lermontov. I used to love his poetry and prose back when I was in high school. I am lucky to have my grandmother’s eyes. When she was born she had brown eyes but with time they turned green, almost yellow. I happen to have the same thing running in my genes, was born with brown eyes, and by now they are almost green. I love my grandma, I hope she is in a better place now, I hope she is having fun today celebrating her birthday in a good company. She would tell me about how much she would love to be in heaven with Jesus and not here in Donetsk with a bunch of strangers. After moving to Ukraine she missed Siberia because the culture was really different in these two places. I have never been there in my life, it would be nice to visit someday. The latest political events make it really hard to do in the near future, yet I hope this too shall pass…

Beach holiday

The best way to spend your Christmas break is to have a beach Holiday with family, right? I never thought about it before but this year it happened, and I’m glad it did. So nice to be in the place where people don’t speak your native language and don’t care about cultural threats you would worry if you were at home. It’s so liberating when you don’t have to impress your neighbors or friends with the fancy decor and the greatest Christmas tree they have seen. It’s nice to know people will forgive you any social fax paus because you are foreign. Also every time you travel, you stop worrying about saving money, since nobody goes on a trip with this kind of intentions. I have never been to France but luckily the invitation was there and we just did it because why not. If you are still hesitant, do not procrastinate any longer, it’s time for a major leap – just do it!

Magic Tea

When you want to have a private conversation with someone just invite them for a cup of tea. It is always a pleasure to chat with an old or a new friend while drinking something as delicious as green, black, white or herbal tea.

I have been wanting to order a tea ceremony for a long time now since I really dreamed of something authentic. You know what, it is coming in May next year fingers crossed, or should I use legs crossed instead?

In my family tea drinking is like a religion, food for your soul. We are really serious about having it at least 5 times a day in spite of the season. The reason for it is to get enough caffeine in your body to keep it going. Or maybe having enough meaningful talks with each other to feel loved and appreciated?

Tea drinking is especially good in cold weather. Some people add sugar or honey into it. Some like it really hot with lemon but one thing they all have in common is that time stops when you indulge yourself in a cup of tea. Say, you are having a bad day at work or the weather is bringing you down, or you name it. After having just one cup of a good tea the world around you gets better. No you don’t have to add vodka into it but some people do so.